Christmas Vexation

Kelsey: Hanlin Insurance. This is Kelsey. Howmay I help you?

Clark: Merry Christmas, Kelsey, and a zippity-doo-dah-New Year to you, too! (off phone) Honey! Where’s the Tylenol?

Kelsey: I’m sorry, sir…

Clark: Clark!

Kelsey: Is everything okay, Clark?

Clark: Why wouldn’t everything be okay? I’m enjoying the traditions of the holidays with my wonderful kith and kin.
Kelsey: Well, you sound a little tense. Do you need insurance?

Clark: Who? Me? No, I’m just bumbling… Browsing! Browsing for a claim. Not a claim! I don’t have a claim, at least not in the sense that you think I said.

Kelsey: If you’re looking for coverage, I canhelp you find what you need.

Clark: I may have a few general questions.Nothing specific.

Kelsey: Ask away!

Clark: Let’s start with auto insurance. Whatif my car’s paint job is shredded by a twenty-foot Christmas tree? 

Kelsey: That is a huge tree.

Clark: It’s not huge. Just… full! 

Kelsey: Yes. The shredded paint caused by the tree would certainly be covered!

Clark: Fantastic! Speaking of the old familystation wagon, does auto insurance cover road rage?

Kelsey: You mean if an aggressive driver wereto cause you to have an accident?

Clark: Sort of! What if some liver-lipped jack-a-ninny is riding my bumper! Later, I try to pass him and crash into a snowbank. Hypothetically speaking!

Kelsey: Hypothetically, did he run you off theroad?

Clark: Hypothetically, I ran myself off the road. After I hypothetically veered under a semi! 

Kelsey: You were driving under a semi?

Clark: Let’s not get bogged down in thedetails, Kelsey!

Kelsey: Well, then, no. Road rage is caused by risky and unsafe driving behavior and any damage caused by such acts are not covered.

Clark: Well isn’t that the biggest bag over thehead! Forget the whole road rage thing. What about if I just drove into asnowbank?    

Kelsey: Yes. That would fall under your collision coverage. Call your local insurance agent to have them file a claim. Take your vehicle to a body shop for damage estimates. Be mindful of your set deductible and be aware that you are responsible for paying the deductible amount.

Clark: I see. Speaking of vehicles, do youcover RVs? 

Kelsey: Absolutely. We love RVs!

Clark: And what if the shi-… the toilet is full! If the sanitation system malfunctions?  

Kelsey: Sure thing! If it is part of the RV and the owner has proper coverage on his motorhome, then the sanitation system can easily be cleaned and fixed.

Clark: Hallelujah! Enough about cars! Does home insurance cover windows. Broken by a rapidly expanding Christmas tree?    

Kelsey: I’m not sure what you mean by a“rapidly” expanding Christmas tree but, yes, there is coverage for the brokenwindows caused by the tree.

Clark: What about a broken gutter? What if I’m the one who broke the gutter?      

Kelsey: Yes! With proper coverage, home owners insurance covers the roof and gutters.

Clark: What about unexplained holes in theceiling?     

Kelsey: Yes! Your homeowners insurance will cover those unexplained holes you keep finding in your ceiling.

Clark: Funny that you mention that, because right around the time I was hanging off my gutters, someone broke my neighbor’s window and smashed their stereo. Can you believe they accuse me!

Kelsey: Any damage you cause to your neighbor’s home would be covered by your homeowners policy.

Clark: Well, that’s great! Thanks for all your help. Sorry I was a little steamed before. The holidays can be a bit stressful, as you well know, and my wife says that I have slightly unrealistic expectations for the season!

Kelsey: I’m glad I could help. Do you have anyother questions?

Clark: I wasn’t going to bring it up, but what about kidnapping? Like if my misguided cousin kidnaps my boss, ties him up in a big red bow, then gives him to me as a Christmas gift.

Kelsey: I’m afraid we don’t provide that sortof coverage.

Clark: So you think my cousin, Eddie, is goingto jail?

Kelsey: Probably.

Clark: Merry Christmas to all, and to all agood night!

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